default behaviour

Goddamnit try as I might to be a healthier, more constructive individual nothing seems to maintain good behaviour, long term goals are easy to ignore but short term pleasure isn't. Bad behaviour is damn rewarding and easy to slip into especially when you're at a quasi-independent age and no-one's physically preventing you from stepping into the dark side. Yes, ok I mean we're meant to have developed a conscience at this age and our frontal lobes should be developed enough to allow for forsight and effective planning but sometimes, actually alot of the time I just want to say screw it and live recklessly, hedonistically, thoughtlessly in the moment. Screw hangovers, consequences, damages...then when you have a moment to contemplate your future this wave of panic, depression and anxiety hits. Truth is living for the future, imagining, dreaming and anticipating is often alot more enjoyable than experiencing a cheap instant version and being disappointed. But what happens when you persist and there's no payoff. You either curl up in the phoetal position on the hard, cold ground or you...continue to persist. The other way of dealing with it is remembering times when persistence payed off, this is likely to also stirr up memories of persistance and failure...but just think there were times when it actually payed off. Isn't that enough? The letdowns are there to make the glory days taste better. If those days were a dime a dozen they would no longer feel as glorious. Oh positive thinking, how practical, but it doesn't seem to remove that irking feeling in my gut that words and thoughts are not enough to make me believe, I need to see it, taste it, smell it, hold it. Memories were once realities...tangible moments and they remain with me therefore they are powerful, as powerful as that moment in which I once expereinced full, lucid reality. All good things a sample of better things to come. Ha! isn't it great being one's own shrink! So I will persist, try, try again always to better myself and though the process may be slow to blossom, the moments in between will serve as buds of promise and satiate my restless soul.